Tiger King Fitness

Death to Dadbod: Tiger King Fitness

Danial Hooper Death to Dadbod

What a weird time.

The world has effectively gone anti-social and anti-bacterial in efforts to combat this insane virus. We’re in a time that’ll be discussed in history books. Disease, social anxiety, prevention, the holy grail economy, alllllll the hand washing. Our kid’s kids aren’t going to believe this. And then, to make it even more confusing, there’s the Tiger King. This man’s story belongs in the history books too! Netflix has (again) united so many people during a really difficult time.

Now, before we get too deep. I feel like almost every person on the show is a redneck fever dream who deserves to be eaten by a lemur. Like most reality shows, these narcissists love the self-destructive spotlight. Joe is no different. I don’t enjoy most train wrecks, but my goodness, I have been hooked on this show.

We finished Tuesday, and I’ve spent HOURS since reading up about his OTHER husbands and the OTHER pieces of information not disclosed on the show and there’s even a freakin’ podcast! There’s a TIGER KING podcast, people! What have I been doing with my life? How did no one tell me that you could own a tiger for 2 grand? I own three house cats, they’re healthy and happy. Surely I could raise a 500 lb killing machine.

I’m already helping raise my wife’s womb gremlins… and they have the temper of two menstruating werewolves.

Oh yeah, about the workout.

It’s Friday, so I’m doing my workout. I’m going to ravage myself. It’s going to be great. And while I’m listening to music – my brain is on tigers.

Today’s workout is a reallll spicy meatball, that’ll go down fast and leave your BH burning after hours. Cramps will come. As will soreness and shortness of breath.

The Workout

20 Single Arm Dumbbell Thrusters

20 Single Arm Dumbbell Sumo Deadlift High-pulls

20 Single Arm Dumbbell Push Jerks

20 Single Arm Dumbbell Front Squats

20 Dumbbell Back Squats

*As Fast As Possible

**4 Burpees Every Minute

Note

Seriously, you gotta do 4 burpees each minute. Including the first minute. If it were six burpees, this would have taken me 36 minutes. I’ve learned my threshold for burpees is about 4. Sometimes 5.

Another Note

It’s 10 reps using your left arm, 10 reps using your right. Not 20 each arm. Which is nice, because I would have cried midway through this workout.

3… 2… 1… Go!

Thrusters

4 burpees move quick and dirty. I essentially took 2 months off during my #NormalizeBurpees2020 commitment. Which isn’t great when we’re only 3 months down…

Sidebar: Hey all you cool cats and kittens. It’s important to wash your hands and practice social distancing. If you don’t, I hope someone feeds you to a tiger.

Thrusters using my left arm aren’t too bad. I squat and heave the dumbbell over my head. I feel like a pogo stick stuck to the ground. Right arm gets a little more tired, but the 30 second warning on my phone goes off just as I hit 5 reps on the right side. I’m ahead of pace.

Sumo Deadlift High-pull

These are easy, but I’m low on time. The timer is starts counting down from 10. I’m trying to get the left side done.

I don’t.

4 burpees just feels offensive. Like a gnat at a barbecue. But for the record, I’d rather do 10,000 burpees every day for the rest of my life than have one conversation with Jeff Lowe.

Back to Sumos!

If the Tiger King taught me one thing, it’s to learn to not start fights I can’t win. Those burpees were fast, but they were hard. If I would have given myself a few seconds before the new minute started, I would have been better off. The rush to hurry to the ground was distracting. I’m not great at transitions. Why put myself at a disadvantage?

Push Jerks

Woof. The left arm is hurting here. Before the workout, my son & I were sparring, and this young buck punches like he’s got daddy issues. My shoulders are sore. It didn’t fully set in during the thrusters, and the burpees always suck… but these jerks are jerks. I feel like a tiger tried to rip my arm off.

Sidebar: the only redeemable people on Tiger King were the girl who got her arm bit off in episode one and the grown man with clown legs. Welcome to America.

Fortunately, 25 lbs isn’t overwhelming. It just means I really have to use my hips and legs to burst the weight over my head. I don’t like it, because it’s slower than I wanted.

Front Squats

I’m almost 3 minutes in.

Check that, my timer says I’m 2:30 in. So I have a 25 seconds to get as many Front Squats as possible.

Except, now I’m tired all over. I’m weary. Worn. Tattered. I feel the heat.

This is going to be one of those workouts where the time doesn’t line up well and I’m forced to do 4 extra burpees.

I move to the right side as my alarm says I have 10 seconds. One. Two. Three. Four reps.

I drop the weight and jump right into the burpees as the new minute starts. I don’t learn from my mistakes. Can I do 26 front/back squats in less than a minute?

The weight feels light. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

I might be able to finish this thing in under four minutes.

Back Squats

Whoooooa buddy. My leggies feel like two wet noodles.

MUST. OVER. COME.

Thirty seconds! I still have 15 reps to go. Son of a biscuit eating bulldog.

Can’t stop, want to, must stop, take a break, go drink beer, cry, stub your toe, cuddle your kittens. POWER THROUGHHHHHH.

I didn’t know how much time I had, but it was enough to count. It was enough for me to finish. 20 single arm back squats using a 25 lb dumbbell finished right before the buzzer.

Score: 3:59

Stay safe out there, fam.

And come be a part of the Outsiders if you’re looking for awesome stay-in-quarantine workouts.

Danial Hooper Editor
Word Wizard/Lead Brewmaster/First Contact Seeker
I’m the family lab rat, if your family is a group of mad scientists. I mask my weaknesses by being funny and telling stories. Basically, I write posts for the blog, type up some emails, help where asked, and cry when Taz makes us run. My novels are available on Amazon. Something’s got to pay my daughters’ dance fees. I have four kids, three cats, and one wife. I love all of them dearly.