baby shark workout

Death to Dadbod: The Baby Shark Workout

Danial Hooper Death to Dadbod

Full disclosure: I’m tired.

This week has become a long month and I’m feeling like a stain on the underoos of life. Somehow, I made time to workout last night, the first time this week, and I’m pretty sure sleep deprivation is driving me slowly insane. I mean, why else would I be singing the Baby Shark song during a workout?

Last night, our baby cried for roughly 36 hours. He’s teething, and he has his father’s tolerance of pain. His whittle wipp pouted out and made his dada’s heart break for what felt like an eternity. There’s something so debilitating about your child crying while you’re incapable of helping.

Then, I got some bad news. Like, really really bad news about a colleague. When you’re exhausted and discouraged, pain doesn’t add… it multiplies. 

So yeah, I felt a way. Still feel it, honestly. Seasons change and I’m in a murky place. Fortunately, I’m not alone. Despite how I feel, or what my coo-coo-bananas brain tells me… I’m not alone.

But your boy is sleepy. 

So is his wife.

baby shark workout

And his daughters, who’s bedroom is right beside the baby’s room. Those two little girls look like a daydream but have the vast temper of a duo of junkyard komodo dragons when they’re underslept. Bella once death-stared at the wall for 45 minutes and the paint peeled itself to the ground. 

Anyways, baby shark workout. 

While #AkaRoy was crying his face off at 3:30am, Dada was running to the grocery store to buy him medicine. Somehow, the baby shark song got caught in my head. 

Baybee Shark. Doodoo. Da. Doododoodoo. 

Does my baby like baby shark? 

No, but Joanie does. A few nights ago, we spent 3 hours watching youtube videos of amazing dancers. She’s a Jade Chynoweth fan, so we watched this video three times.

(Sidebar: don’t click on this if you’re uncomfortable watching a woman gyrate to a children’s song)

Homegirl is doing that dance in stilettos. How is that possible?

All day. This song. Is. In my head. 

Today’s workout was the Baby Shark Workout. The beat was the only thing that got me through. I don’t have 5 minutes of energy. It was either finish in under 5, or keel over at 299 seconds. 

The Workout

15 Dumbbell Thrusters, pick load

30 Lateral Dumbbell Jump Overs

10 Dumbbell Thrusters, pick load

20 Lateral Dumbbell Jump Overs

5 Dumbbell Thrusters, pick load

10 Lateral Dumbbell Jump Overs

As Fast As Possible.

Note

I got my trusty 25 lb dumbbells. And, I have my knee sleeves to protect my horribly injured knee. 

3… 2… 1… Go!

15 Thrusters

Here’s the thing about Baby Shark: at one point, it was a phenomenon in every child’s brain. It was like Furbee. Polly Pocket, The Spice Girls, and the Flintstones theme song.

So, when I’m thrustering and blustering, it shouldn’t be a surprise that I’m thinking about why the Baby Shark gets the title role, but daddy shark is left with only two lines of prose. Daddy shark is the one who buys baby sharks food and medicine. He’s the one who finds the baby tooth ointment. Baby shark can’t even workout. He’s a loser. Tiny, tiny loser.

I power through the 15 like a boss. This workout is a sprint, it AIN’T NO MARATHON!

30 Lateral Dumbbell Jump Overs

You know what sucks? Thinking that each jump over counts as one rep.

But nooOOooOoOoooo. It’s over AND back. 

Over and back counts as one rep. That’s 60 jumps total. And it’s freakin’ awful.

I paused at 15 reps, since technically that was 30 jump overs. Silently, I pray that Pat and Taz Barber stub their toes on a cinder block.

I have to remind myself that this will be the longest part of the workout. Nothing else is going to compare to this and all I need to do is embrace the baby shark workout. 

The embracement still feels like it’s taking forever. I jump back and forth, spitefully pausing at each “rep.”

I’m already over two minutes into the Baby Shark workout and not even halfway through. I feel bitten.

10 Thrusters

How many workouts are there… in the whole wide world… where THRUSTERS are the easy part? 

These 10 reps are like a breath of rancid air.

20 Lateral Dumbbell Jump Overs

Over and back. One. Over and back. Two.

This suuuuucks, 

Sidebar: I’ve said it before, but it should be repeated… I’m a good jumper. I can jump high. Far. And wide. 

Wide? What? I don’t know, man. Sleep deprivation is a real thing. Sorry to everyone reading this. 

I’m about 7 reps in when I decide my little spiteful pause needs to stop. Must move faster. I’m going to use my talents for good. The world needs faster jumpers… and wide ones too, I guess. 

5 Thrusters

If this ain’t a sprint, then I’m a quitter. 

I ain’t no quitter! There’s a lot of tears pent up inside this old head of mine. And yes, my calf muscles hurt. But no quit. Speed.

10 Lateral Dumbbell Jump Overs

Overbackoverback. Speed, speed, speed.

I’m finishing this darn thing and I’m going to be the one who eats the freaking baby shark in this workout. Sharks fear me! Me! I’m a man. 

A man trying not to vomit on himself as he lays on the ground. 

Time: 3:47

Interested in learning more about OTB? Check out 10 Free Bodyweight Workouts.

Or hey, why not just sign up? Me and the Outsiders are waiting for ya.

Tune in next week for another Death to Dadbod.

And hey, follow me on Instagram! @Instadanial_

Word Wizard/Lead Brewmaster/First Contact Seeker
I’m the family lab rat, if your family is a group of mad scientists. I mask my weaknesses by being funny and telling stories. Basically, I write posts for the blog, type up some emails, help where asked, and cry when Taz makes us run. My novels are available on Amazon. Something’s got to pay my daughters’ dance fees. I have four kids, three cats, and one wife. I love all of them dearly.