Today marks three full weeks of Outside the Box. My body has begun to feel soreness in places that used to have muscles. My home has turned into a minimalist home gym. My body has turned into a wonderland. As in, I wonder when I’ll stop feeling like a bearded Walrus.
For the record, in my mind, this is how I look while doing sit-ups:
Fortunately, today’s workout doesn’t feature sit-ups or any direct ab workout. Although, [spoiler alert] Renegade Rows are going to give me nightmares for a while. I found myself heaving the dumbbells into my chest on each of those reps, I have bruises on my tatas. Dad bod with mom bod problems…
I used to be strong.
I’ve power cleaned over 300, squatted over 500, and deadlifted a small school bus. Nowadays, I’m lucky if I have time to clean my kitchen and there’s literally a massive blob of scar tissue on my back from squatting.
Sidebar: Seriously, I had an MRI because we thought I had a cyst in my spine. Turns out, it’s scar tissue from the barbell. The doctor couldn’t understand why I’m not in agony even when wearing a shirt. Which just became my excuse to walk around shirtless.
Just kidding, I’m too insecure.
“Rage and Ronnie Coleman”
Max set Seated DB Press
Rest 1 min.
Max set DB Bent Over Row
Rest 2 min.
EMOM 6 minutes
Even: 20 DB Renegade Row (10 each)
Odd: 20 DB Push Press
As always, 25 lb dumbbells. Those renegade rows are are going to get old with that much weight. I’ll switch to only 14 total reps instead of 20.
3… 2… 1… Go!
First set of DB press: I feel like Ronnie Coleman.
Scheduled rests are weird. I’ve been indoctrinated by my personally-prescribed rushed CrossFit workouts, so this feels wrong. Almost a little Bodybuilder-y. By the way, if you’re looking for some Body Building, that’s not bodybuilding. You should totally check out Brute Body. Those guys are awesome.
First set of DB Bent Over Row: Weight is light, I’m squeezing at the top. Each rep makes my belly ripple like a loose grocery bag in the wind.
Two Minute Rest: I search through my Outside The Box Spotify playlist, looking for some Rage Music. I want to Rage Against The Machine… AKA my poorly tuned body.
Two Minute Rest: Boy, time is moving slow here. Um… let’s check out the Outside the Box Facebook page. There was a particular post a few weeks ago about sweet garage gyms. Let’s check that out to…
Holy crap it’s time to go!
Second set of DB press: 22 reps and I start to slow down. I could go further, but I still have four sets. Is the goal to fail in the first few minutes? Nah, not mine.
One Minute Rest: Just enough time to relax and ponder how to make an awesome home gym, someday. What’s the best equipment? Is there a barbell that lifts itself for me?
Second Set of Bent Over Rows: Flalalalah. Flalalah. Similar sound to a flag is pushed in the wind.
Two Minute Rest: I really want to power through these breaks and be done.
These next three rounds can be summed up like this: I feel strong, until I remember that I’m only lifting 25 lbs. And no disrespect to anyone who can’t lift that much – but I don’t like it. Humility is not a strength.
Final Round of DB Presses: Arms are wiggly. Reminds me of a corgi’s butt.
Minute Break: I’m so ready to get to the next stage. I’m also afraid. 6 minutes is short enough to set a fire to your loins.
Final Round of Bent Over Rows: Form isn’t great, not going to lie. I’m bro-repping myself. The burn is real, so is exhaustion. I don’t think I want to do the EMOM anymore. How about an EMIN.
Two Minute Rest: EMIN – Every Minute I Nap. Or EMR – Every Minute Rest. Or E…
I know you get the point.
Minute 1: Renegade Rows. Oh, I wasn’t ready for this. They’re really hard. Why does my core hurt? Was it Thursday? Wednesday? Thursday and Wednesday? No. It’s because of my baby bump. I’m happy to only be doing 7 reps each side.
Minute 2: Push Press? Taz Barber, you got jokes? I just raised the roof in a seated position, now I’m moving to this? Oh, thanks… Push Press means I can use a little of my legs. Sure would be nice, only I have the leg strength of a baby horse.
Minute 3: I’m really tempted to drop the weights and just do weightless Renegade Rows.
Sidebar: My brother has won the Reebok CrossFit Games three times. This will come to a shock to you, but he’s in better shape than I am. I literally cried the last time we worked out together. Not tears of pain. No no. We CrossFitted so hard that my tear ducts began to erupt in the middle of lunges. It looked like I was having a mental breakdown. [Spoiler alert: I was.]
Minute 4: Push Press? Oh, Taz got jokes. Hardy har har. I hope you’re getting a real good laugh outta this one. I’m pushing presses and pressing pushing. This is the worst part of using only 25 lbs. I can do the 20 reps, but it the burn is so deep.
Minute 5: Renegade Row. Not rows. One singular Row. I heaved my dumbbell up to my chest and stumbled over. I didn’t have the off hand steady, and I nearly broke my wrist in the process.
I’m going to be honest with you, part of me would rather break a bone than do another set of Renegades.
Oh, wait… I don’t have to do anymore after this.
Minute 6: Ronnie Coleman returns. I’m pushing these reps out like a beast. How’d I get so strong? Hercules! Hercules! I’m not finishing this workout with a whimper, I’m finishing with a roar. Cue the Rocky music! It’s in my head, but it’s okay. I’m doing a-okay. Okay. Yeah, we’re okay. I’m okay. Oh. Kay. That was a lot of energy for only 12 reps.
I’m going to lay here for a while. Maybe think about why Outside The Box has quick workouts geared towards the dad bod united.
Tune in next week for another Dead to Dadbod.
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