Death to Dadbod: Open Recap 20.3

Danial Hooper Death to Dadbod

I started CrossFit because my brother started CrossFit. In this middle of this workout, I truly questioned if I would be happier if he just joined a cult instead.

Have you ever made yourself so dizzy that your pancreas begins to throb?

Where is your pancreas, anyway? Is it by your kidneys?

It’s been a while since a workout made my brain feel funny. It might be the fake that I spent half the CrossFit Open 20.3 upside down, but it also might be because my soul has a deviated septum. If there are grammar errors in this post, just know most of them can be attributed to the funny bunny in my tummy.

This workout made my armpits itchy.

What’s the workout you ask? It’s a combination of delightful and dreadful. It’s like a wonderful piece of milk chocolate… covering a mill worm… that’s still alive.

I’m dressed as Danta Clause. Because I’m an idiot and I like the idea of funny costumes during the Open. And, I’ll be offering Outside the Box members plenty of gifts in the next few weeks. Free stuff, discounts, and a holly jolly good time.

The Workout

Part 1:

DB Deadlift – 42-30-18

Pike Handstand Pushups – 21-15-9

Part 2:

DB Deadlift 42-30-18

4 Box Around The World

Note

Around the World used to be a fun little game on the basketball court. Those days are gone. Just like everything else in adulthood, the grown-up version of Around the World involves regret and tired muscles. I did two warm-up sets of this movement, it ended poorly.

For those wondering, you put your knees or feet on a box (or anything elevated. Then you put your hands on the ground. And then, you walk yourself in a circle. You’ve made yourself into a doomsday clock. Congrats.

3… 2… 1… Go!

Dumbbell Deadlifts (42)

I got my 25 lb dumbbells. These deadlifts are going smooth. 42 reps is a lot to do unbroken, but the weight is light. I get to 30 and pause at the top. Not because I’m tired, but the bells on my pants are really freaking annoying. Does Santa really has bells instead of a zipper? Are these pants even regulation?

I get through these in less than a minute.

Pike Handstand Push-ups (21)

HSPUs are very awful. When you scale down to Pikes, it’s not as bad. Except there are 21 of these things and nothing is good 21 times. I had 21 drinks on my 21st birthday, it ended with a broken blood vessel in my eye.

DB Deadlifts (30)

I don’t want to pause on this round. The weight is too light and my resolve is too strong.

Just kidding. It’s not. My resolve is strong until I’m tired.

I pause at 24, close my eyes, and get those 6 reps done.

Pike HSPU (15)

We’re at about 4 minutes. For some reason, I think it’s a good idea to rush through these like my son does his homework. There’s no real strategy. My brain is focused on being done. Which is great if you’re at the homestretch. I’m not even halfway.

DB Deadlifts (18)

I don’t pause on these. No breaks. No surrender. This is the first time I feel a tightness in my lower back.

Pike HSPU (9)

How does someone do this workout fast? How many years do I have to unlearn all my bad habits and retrain my body in order to get a sub-ten minute time in this workout? Will I ever be able t crank out 21-15-9 with REGULAR HSPU? How much longer can I blame my lack of engine on the fact that my baby convinces himself mid-way through every night that his parents are hard of hearing.

DB Deadlifts (42)

42 again? When I hovered over the dumbbells before starting, I really had a small breakdown at the thought of doing another 90 reps. My lower back is tight, my butt hurts, and my shoulders are starting to deteriorate.

17 reps. Pause. 37 reps. Pause. Finish.

4 Box Around the World

My first revolution and I’m already dizzy. I went left on the first set, now I’m going right.

One cat is watching me. I think they’re waiting for me to keel over and die so they can eat my face. Shady, our youngest, has the kind of empty look behind his eyes that makes me wonder if he’s part Tom Cruise. He looks at me like he looks at the empty space on the wall. I can’t tell if it’s pity or if he’s just focused on breathing. He’

Three more revolutions around the sun… er, around the stool. My shoulders are on FIREEEEE.

DB Deadlifts (30)

I get 15 reps in before I drop the DBs. It’s the one thing I really didn’t want to do. I was totally okay with these pauses, but letting the weight down makes it soooo much harder to pick the weight back up.

4 Box Around the World

Before I start, there’s a cute little stuffed animal now seated by my stool.

Shady is staring from afar. The stuffed bird is his gift to me. He wanted me to feel comforted in my time of weakness.

I say “thank you” and begin my next set. The stuffed eagle is good where it’s at, I’ll pick it up after.

Shady comes closer, confused by my actions.

Or maybe he’s just confused by everything.

DB Deadlifts (18)

I take an extra moment before jumping into these reps. The goal is to do them unbroken. It’s my last set, I have to finish strong!

Except, I don’t really HAVE to do anything. I’m already doing more than I did yesterday. I haven’t even started drinking whiskey yet tonight. Small wins, people.

18 reps unbroken, because I’m a boss.

4 Box Around the World

Why am I sweating this much? Where is my cat.

Oh good, he’s holding his stuff animal just out of reach. There’s hurt in those idiot eyes. Poor thing.

There’s hurt in my shoulders, too. I’m smoked. This isn’t a very fun way to close a workout. There’s no sprinting when you’re traveling in a circle. The spins are setting in, I can feel my mouth start sweating in anticipation to the vomit and anxiety attack that comes with nausea. My head is swimming in a field of desolation and digging in a cloud of disorientation.

I guess now I have something in common with Shady.

Time: 12:25

 

Thanks for reading!

Check back next week for 20.4!

My prediction: Wallballs and Lunges.

Word Wizard/Lead Brewmaster/First Contact Seeker
I’m the family lab rat, if your family is a group of mad scientists. I mask my weaknesses by being funny and telling stories. Basically, I write posts for the blog, type up some emails, help where asked, and cry when Taz makes us run. My novels are available on Amazon. Something’s got to pay my daughters’ dance fees. I have four kids, three cats, and one wife. I love all of them dearly.