Death to Dadbod: Memorial Day Murph

Danial Hooper Death to Dadbod, No Filter Fitness

It’s been 3 years since I’ve completed a Memorial Day Murph. I’m like a CrossFit cicada.

For those who don’t know, check this out for a description on why CrossFit has a hero workout named after Lt. Murphy.

I’m not what you would call patriotic. Not that I’m an anarchist or anything, but national pride isn’t really a part of my DNA. Why? For starters, I take good things for granted by nature.

 

Anyways. Even though I’m not getting an American Flag tattoo anytime soon, Murph has a special place in my heart. The details of the story are one thing, but anyone who lays down their life for the ones they love – you have my heart.

 

Murph the man is a hero. Along with the countless other men and women who served this country and paid the ultimate price.

Murph the workout is… a hero workout. If it’s going to be in memory, you better have your britches on tight.

 

I’m going to make some jokes below. Hopefully, you enjoy them. But please, take a moment to remember what this holiday is about.

 

The Workout

“Murph”

Run 1 mile

100 Pull-ups

200 Push-ups

300 Air Squats

Run 1 mile

For Time

*With a weighted vest.

 

My Scaling

Murph called for a weighted vest, I don’t own one. I do have a muffin top, though. It’s probably 25-30 lbs of pure french fries. It wouldn’t count in the CrossFit Games, but it counts to me.

 

Note

You’ll have to excuse the errors in this post. I’m guessing there will be some places where my writing sounds like gibberish. That’s not intentional. It’s just that I wrote this after doing the workout and even my fingers are tired. And sadly, I lost my brain during the Air Squats. Murph is so fun. CrossFit is great.

 

3… 2… 1… Go!

1 Mile Run

I’m not good at distance, so I’m keeping a steady pace. 1.1 miles is the distance to my daughters’ school, and I’m going to do the pull-ups at the monkey bars.

I downloaded a podcast previewing the NBA finals. I’m listening to that because it’s easy and I struggle to run while listening to music.

Frankly, I struggle to run while doing anything. Podcasts are an easy way for me to busy my brain while I’m doing something that makes me borderline insane.

Murph is so fun. CrossFit is so great.

Mile is about 6:30-7:15 minutes.

100 Pull-ups.

Now I can listen to music. I turn on Apple Music, find a playlist made by Draymond Green (NBA player) featuring some rap I know and some others I don’t. He’s like the most intense player in the NBA, I think anything that he likes would fit.

Spoiler alert: I lose my sense of hearing after the Pull-ups.

Did I mention I’m doing this at my daughters’ school? There are 6 kids here playing and I ain’t interested in exercising while they’re farting around the jungle gym. One kid looks like he not only eats his own boogers, but has tried a few other people’s too. I’m not even close yet and one little girl is side-eyeing me like Emma steals her lunch money.

Fortunately, there are two playground areas, separated by 200 yards of concrete jungle.

I walk the extra distance and avoid any confrontation with tiny humans.

About the Pull-ups: I can’t do kipping right now. I’m too heavy and my shoulder hurts with each rep. I’m going to do 4 jumping Pull-ups and then 1 strict Pull-up… 20 times total (100 reps).

This doesn’t sound insurmountable until I hit rep 40 and realize I’m not even halfway done.

Rep 60-80 all feel the same. My brain is trying to compel my body to keep going, but my hands are starting to hurt reallllll bad. I don’t have the grip strength to tear, though.

I have no concept of time when I get these done. It could have been 30 minutes, or it could have been 7. I stopped looking at my clock once I realized this workout was going to be a marathon of suck.

The children are screaming.

Or is that me?

Murph is so fun. CrossFit is great.

200 Push-ups.

Oh, good. Fresh out the frying pan, into the fire. 200 reps of anything is horrid. Avengers: Endgame was 180 minutes, and even that was too long.

Again, I’m breaking it up into 5 reps. I do 20 on my first set, but I could feel myself failing.

20 reps out of 200 is only 10%. If you fail when you’re 1/10 done, an angel loses its wings.

5 reps, pause, 5 reps. Shake my arms and count down from 10.

I do this up through 120 reps.

I’m starting to fail at rep 4 each time. Just enough power to get me there, and not enough juice on rep 5. My arms are shaking like a rattlesnake on acid.

At 150 reps I start to feel vomit in the middle of my chest. I had a burrito for lunch.

Steak, veggies, lite rice and beans… and all the spicy stuff.

You know when you eat too much spicy foods and it… ya know… hurts when you go potty?

That’s what I feel at rep 180.

Do you know horrifying it would be to crap your pants in a playground?

The answer: Not as bad as doing 200 Push-ups.

The final 20 reps are still sturdy, but they’re taking forever.

Murph is so fun. CrossFit is great.

300 Air Squats.

Why are my legs hurting so bad? I get 20 Squats and I can feel my buttcheeks start to cramp. That doesn’t make sense. I paced myself during the run for the specific reason of having legs at the end of this workout.

I don’t have legs at the end of this workout.

My legs are still hanging out by the jungle gym, smoking a cigarette and telling stories about drinking their dad’s beer.

I feel every rep. Each Squat has a story, and the theme is debt. I’m suffering for my sins. My lower back is hurting because my squats now feature my chest resting on my knees at the bottom. I think that’s a yoga pose.

50 reps down and I think I’d rather just run into the wall.

By rep 100, I’m breaking these up into 5s too.

Do you know how long that takes?

The kids have left.

I wonder if they were ever really there.

I’m listening to some dude named Boogie wit da Hoodie.

My hamstrings start cramping with each rep when I get into the 200s.

Murph is so fun. CrossFit is great.

All work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy.

This part of the workout takes a really long time, I feel bad for myself.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I cannot wait to start the run.

One Mile Run

Just kidding, I hate running.

Normally, I’m weighed down by existential dread whilst falling forward for long distances. My brain is a FemBot and running is Austin Powers.

This ain’t normal though. My legs are now useless, and the run back features a couple of hills.

Nothing crazy, but the steady incline is steadily breaking my will.

Then I remember something.

2015, Adrian Conway, a role model and BFF of mine, did Murph at the CrossFit Games.

He didn’t win the event.

I don’t even think he got top 5.

But his resolve and heart at the finish still gives me chills.

I’m focusing on the pain, not capturing the opportunity to get better.

3-4 Elite CrossFit Games Athletes have started the final run before him.

He passes them and catches up to Alex Anderson. Their last 100 meters are a race to the finish.

For the record, I was in the arena when this happened.

I cried.

And now, I finish the workout in tears too.
Time: 1:09:14

We’re done, but I hope you get something special out of Murph today.
I know I did.

Check back Friday for a modified Fran.
And hey, follow me on IG: instadanial_

Word Wizard/Lead Brewmaster/First Contact Seeker
I’m the family lab rat, if your family is a group of mad scientists. I mask my weaknesses by being funny and telling stories. Basically, I write posts for the blog, type up some emails, help where asked, and cry when Taz makes us run. My novels are available on Amazon. Something’s got to pay my daughters’ dance fees. I have four kids, three cats, and one wife. I love all of them dearly.