Bodyweight workouts can be fun. You don’t have to carry around weights and plates and mates and dates. It’s just you, your body, and the thrill of good movement.
Not for me, though. My body has extra weight. Particularly in the midsection. Anytime you’re participating in bodyweight workouts, one must remember to consider your body, your weight, and prepare for a longer workout than you expected.
My grandmother recently asked me how much beer I drank. When I said not much, she proceeded to ask why I had a beer belly then. So yeah, bodyweight workouts aren’t fun for me.
Anyway. Outside the Box has unveiled their first benchmark workout. We’ll test over the next few weeks and then do them again in a few months, to test our progress. If you’re like me, you care about growth. You plant, you bloom, and now we have some tests.
Sidebar, here’s a quick list of 10 things I hate:
10. Fresh Onions. Yuck.
9. Dudes who only wear spandex in the gym. Hey bro, not trying to see your moose knuckle.
8. V-Ups. My oversized gut makes any abdominal movement difficult. V-Ups are like trying to close an overloaded suitcase.
7.The fact that getting hydrated doesn’t mean eating extra carbohydrates.
6. Fireworks. I think they’re overrated and lame. If you spend over $19.99 for fireworks, then we probably can’t be friends. Go buy your wife some flowers and donate the rest of the money to charity.
4b. Stubbing my toes.
4a. Bodyweight workouts.
3. Laundry. Especially when my daughters put clean clothes in the dirty laundry. I wonder if there are any at home workouts featuring AMLOLFT. As many loads of laundry for time. Cause your boy would score worse on that than he does in this one.
2. Dudes who wear sunglasses backwards. Hey man, unless you got eyes back there, you look like Dale Earnhardt Junior’s second cousin twice removed who carries a case of Miller Lite like a 1980s boombox. It’s not cool. Don’t do it.
And guess what? This week’s workout has 4 of the things I hate.
“Bodyweight Boom Boom”
*Run 400m in after each round.
I’m doing this workout out in my front yard. A few neighbors talk to me before I start. Except the older lady who lives across the street, she doesn’t like me because my yard is a mess. She’s definitely not going to like me if I stop in her driveway and puke in her rose bush. #Goals.
3… 2… 1… Go!
V-Ups. I don’t feel too bad. They’re ugly. Hopefully no one is watching me. I’m on a yoga mat, on the sidewalk, surrounded by an ugly yard, wearing a 4th of July-themed cat shirt. My neighbors might end up calling the police on me (again).
Burpees. I’ve grown to appreciate Burpees. I don’t like them (ahem, my list above), but they’re a worthy adversary. If they were my friend, it would be better. But for now I must be satisfied with them being the worm in the middle of my apple. I remain consistent on the reps. It’s terrible, but I’m not trying to win a race. This workout is a benchmark, and I belong on the bench, if I’m able to finish without having a mental breakdown, it’s a victory. That’s the thing about bodyweight workouts, you can’t scale the weight.
400m Run. I need to run more. Not because I like it. Definitely not because I want to. I just have a really hard time gauging my speed. I start out with a sprint, and then ten seconds later I feel like I need to collapse. My goal was to remain running during the workout: no breaks and no walking. I’m not even at the 200m mark and I’m changing my goal to not stopping and not crying. That’s how I’m calling this benchmark workout a success.
V-Ups. Has my gut grown since I started? Have you ever made a burrito when you’re really hungry? You want all the fixings and nom-noms. Then, when it gets time to fold it up – it ends up looking like it’s stuffed with a brick.
Yeah, that’s what’s happening in my central area. It’s hard to do a bodyweight workout when your gut is growing at such an extreme level. And you know what? I want to go inside and cry.
Burpees. This is the worst round. 15 Burpees shouldn’t be much, but they’re so hard right now. Why do they exist?
Why do I exist though, ya know? I hit 10 reps and need to take a few seconds. I’m thinking about having a beer. Or eight. As a matter of fact, by rep 12, I feel like I drank a dozen beers. The good ones too, not those barley waters you’re uncle drinks. I’m looking for something with hops and good stories.
400m Jog. My feet are heavy with this run. I have my phone in my pocket. It might be weighing me down. I’m not moving very fast. My eyes are focused on the ground, I’m trying push myself to another place. I look up to see the distance, and my poor heart…
Four things happen within the next millisecond; 1) I realize I’ve only traveled 50 meters. 2) My heavy feet kick the curb and stubbed my toe. 3) I stumble forward and nearly lose my balance. 4) I start walking for the next 20 steps.
The round of 15 took longer than the round of 21. If I cursed, this would be the perfect time. Instead, I do that thing where you try to walk all cool after stumbling over yourself.
Ya know, at home workouts really should be done inside the home. At home workouts featuring beer and a cheese ball.
V-Ups. There is a second wind. This is when most people would be catching it. Not me. I don’t have one of those. This guy just blacks out. My brain shuts down due to the high intensity of stress and stores my consciousness in a deep crevice. It’s a family tradition to sweep your tragedies under the rug. I can see myself finishing those 9 V-Ups from the porch and I have a beer in my hand. That would be a benchmark workout to get behind. Bodyweight workouts should come with a sympathy card and a hug.
Burpees. I can’t move fast on these. Again, I don’t have control right now. Each rep is slow and wet. I’m in my own lazy river of sweaty exercise.
400m waddle. I walk the first 20 steps and try to run for the next 200 meters. I make it to 100m before I want to lay down. I’m back in my body, it’s upset about it too. It’d do better without me. I stopped, hunched over, and spit.
Yes, this happened in front of my old lady neighbors house. My throat was dry and scratchy, so my spit was pretty dramatic. If the elderly lass saw only this, she’s definitely thinking this is an act of aggression.
Except, I have to finish my run. And if she saw the way I speed walked/jogged/waddled like a penguin on ice… she would have used her phone to video me, not call the 5-0.
My last 200 meters are filled with fear and weakness. I realize I need to finish and get in the house. The air conditioning is there. So is my cat, and beer.
Tune in next week for another Death to Dadbod.
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