Death to Dadbod: Black Licorice

Danial Hooper Death to Dadbod, No Filter Fitness

You know the old saying, “Seven days of rest, makes one weak?”

No? That’s not how it goes? Well today’s workout says otherwise. One round of 30 burpees and I thought I was drooling Nyquil. Not the Berry kind, either. I haven’t taken the medicine in 7 days, yet I could taste the funky sweetness of black licorice.

Sidebar: Licorice, weird word. Lickerish. Liquorisch. Licorysh. Licorice? No.

As a writer, I think words matter. So does spelling. Some words make sense when said out loud, but they look silly on paper.

Example: Handkerchief.

It was good to be back to the land of the living, even if the living features a day job and dirty laundry.

And this workout.

 

I enjoyed most of the weak, er week. My favorite was Wednesday’s 15-minute slugfest. Outside the Box has made me enjoy thrusters. My home gym has mostly consisted of me working out in the living room or my baby’s room, yet it might as well be in the world’s best CrossFit gym while I’m in the heat of these workouts. The intensity is palpable.

Just like the licorice.  

 

Speaking of candy… Sunday is Easter, which means ham and eating my kids Easter chocolate after they go to bed. 

Oh, and about my son: He’s a very thin fellow. His rail-like body combined with his 747 engine make him a very good runner and a very frustrating workout partner. Our bodies are different. I’m a block with legs, he’s a human pogo stick. He beats me almost every workout. When Thrusters are prescribed – Papa is the winner. His skinny little legs can’t handle the movement like my body-that’s-made-like-a-squatty-poddy. He’s loving Outside the Box, he loves the simple workouts, loves our totally awesome home gym that’s actually just home… But he HATES losing to me. His scrawny legs nearly gave out on him yesterday – so he’s off for Friday’s workout.

 

The Workout

In 3 minutes complete:

40 Alt. DB Power Snatch

 

In 3 minutes complete:

30 Burpees

 

In 3 minutes complete:

40 DB Hang Squat Clean

 

In 3 minutes complete:

30 DB-facing Burpees

 

Scoring

Time to complete each movement added up together (all 4 scores combined).

 

My Scaling

25 lb Dumbbells

20 Burpees on the last round. I know before I even start; that second set of burpees is going to take me somewhere I’m not ready to go.

 

3…2…1… Go!

First movement: Alternating DB Power Snatches. If someone told me my car needed a new Alternating DB Power Snatch, I would nod silently and hope my insurance covers it. That sums up my mechanical knowledge, in case you were wondering. 

Fortunately, I know this movement quite well and move through each rep with efficiency. Sometimes it feels like snatches take so long to get from one end to the other, but if I focus on being smooth on each individual rep, then it isn’t so bad. It took me 1:25 to complete the first round.

Score: 1:25

 

Rest for 1:35, just enough time to overthink how awful these burpees are gonna be.

 

Second movement: Burpees. I made it 6 reps before I thought I was going to die. After that, my whole me-ness went out the door and I became a burpee-zombie. I couldn’t close my mouth. There was a light trickle of drool hanging on my lips. By 25 reps, I started making a groaning noise. Except, it wasn’t coming from my mouth, it was deep inside my belly. The last 5 reps featured a shell of the man you’re seeing today. 2:15 to complete the second round.

Score: 1:25+2:15 = 3:40

Rest for 0:45, just enough time to stare at my wall and wonder if anyone has ever made edible paint.

 

Third movement: Hang Squat Cleans. After the burpees I can no longer finish my words. Everything feels so dark. I’m cold, guys. My wife brings the baby into the room, she takes one look at me and realizes that I will not be making dinner tonight. I don’t know why she came here, but I wish… I don’t remember what I wish. These Hansquaclees are tearing my buttcheeks. I can feel where I used to have muscles. It’s like phantom pain, but embarrassing. Sadly, the weight is light enough where I’m able to move through all 40 reps without really stopping. I finish in 1:38.

Score: 3:40+1:38=5:18

Rest for 1:22, black licorice has filled the air. I look around, wondering where the smell came from, only to realize I’m sweating it out like a prune in a microwave.

 

Fourth movement: DB-facing Burpees. I know what you’re thinking, why do I need to face the dumbbells? That’s the type of question a rational person would ask. Except, all I can think about is the smell of black jellybeans and how I would rather cuddle a jellyfish than do anymore burpees. The nature of falling down and getting back up should be an inspiring choice to workout, but it only makes my heart hurt. The drool has now started running down my chin. My hat fell off too. Except, I wasn’t wearing a hat. This hat is a fedora. Who left this here? How many is 10 next to 20? Is ten morer or lesser? Can I have someone else come in here to do my last 10 burpees?

No. I can’t. This is all me. I meander to my knees, lurch to the ground, kick my legs up underneath me (the fastest part of the movement) and stand… and then clap. I’m facing the dumbbells. They’re mocking me. Or maybe that’s the fedora. I’m able to finish 20 reps in 2:13 seconds.

Score: 5:18+2:13=7:31.

 

If I could feel anything right now, it would be accomplishment.

 

Tune in next week for another Dead to Dadbod.

And hey, follow me on Instagram! @Instadanial_

Word Wizard/Lead Brewmaster/First Contact Seeker
I’m the family lab rat, if your family is a group of mad scientists. I mask my weaknesses by being funny and telling stories. Basically, I write posts for the blog, type up some emails, help where asked, and cry when Taz makes us run. My novels are available on Amazon. Something’s got to pay my daughters’ dance fees. I have four kids, three cats, and one wife. I love all of them dearly.