Death to Dadbod: Anniversary Running Workout

Danial Hooper Death to Dadbod

Before we get to the running workout…

Ahem.

5 years ago, I married the love of my life. Joanie is my inspiration, the most humble person I know, and lights up my day without saying a word. She loves me in the purest sense. #RibRib

It’s been a wild, amazing chapter in our lives. Our kids are awesome. They’re these hilarious little copies of their mother, except now they got some really bad habits from me. Bella has my disabling scowl. Emma has my annoying optimism. AJ has my inability to know when a joke is over.

They have my heart. I love my family.

We have a baby now, too. He’s the tiny fury who melts any buttery situations.

 

It’s important to take a moment,  breathe in the beauty in your life.

 

 

Anniversaries aren’t so you can exchange gifts. Sure, it’s nice. But that’s not the point. It’s to celebrate and honor the commitment. It’s about love, not stuff. Time is the unreturnable gift.

 

Sometimes, we just need to smell the roses. Not wonder how we can make the smell better or consider if our rose bush is getting a little old. Just remain. Chill. Find joy. Smile.

 

Seriously, take a moment and smile. Try to make your face smile like an idiot. See how long you can hold it. You came here for some fun, well here’s your chance.

 

Wait, didn’t you click on the blog to hear me on a marriage soapbox? You wanted jokes?

Okay, fine. Let’s get to it.

 

Joanie and I are doing this workout to celebrate our 5-year anniversary. AJ is out walking around the neighborhood with his buddy who’s name I purposely forget. The twins are on the trampoline with two other little girls. Aran is grunting like an adorable little piggy.

 

I thought about having the whole crew come to the back porch to do this workout together.

But then, why? A family workout doesn’t have to feature the whole family. Maybe our family workout is mom and dad getting their grind on while the minions are away.

 

Joanie and I are doing this one together. She hates running. I hate running. She’s four months postpartum, I’m built like I’m in my third month. We’re doing this one together on the back porch.

 

The Workout

8 rounds of:

Run, 200 m

3 Right Dumbbell Hang Power Snatches | 25 lbs

3 Left Dumbbell Hang Power Snatches | 25 lbs

5 Dumbbell Slams | 25 lbs

 

Note

I have to run through my backyard. The grass is high and the dirt is uneven. It’s basically a sprained ankle waiting to happen. Then again, me running is basically a sprained ankle waiting to happen. 

Every running workout is my kryptonite, except I’m not Superman. I’m more like Superman’s pale, frail, and built-like-a-beluga-whale brother.

just kidding, this is definitely the aquatic version of my cat

3… 2… 1… Go!

Round 1

We start with the run. This order of operations is going to come in handy.

200 meters isn’t so bad. It’s only bad when you have to do that 8 times.

Snatches are light. I think I’m going to have to invest in some heavier dumbbells.

I’m starting the Slams when Joanie gets back from the run. She says something about peeing her pants, but I ignore her because I’ve learned how to in 5 years of marriage.

 

Round 2

Running is so fun.

One of my daughters shouts encouragement. Her friend says I’m fast.

She’s right, you know?  

Joanie starts her run just as I’m finishing, because I’m fast.

I like this family workout.

The Snatches go up fast and back down smooth. My shoulder feels better than it has in years.

The Slams are cutting it dangerously close to indenting my skull. I can feel the steel brush against my cranium with each rep. I think I’m doing these wrong. If I get a concussion, that means it’s wrong, right?

 

Round 3

Running feels less fun. My legs are really heavy. So’s my midsection. And my body. I think I’m having a midlife crisis. Is this what happens when you’re in your 30s? When is mid-life? 

Answer: Midlife is when you are in the middle of a running workout and wondering if you’re in a crisis. Or maybe that’s a mid- running workout – crisis. Is that a thing? I think that’s a thing.

I’m either midway through a bad run or one-third way through a healthy ending.

Snatches are my other children.

Slams are the friends we made along the way.

 

Round 4

My cats are watching from the window. Ghost (my alpha and sweetest buoy) is meowing at me. He wants to be an outside kitten, but he is plush white with red toenails.

The run is fast. I’m probably breaking some ind of world record.

The Snatches are fast. I think I might be the strongest man alive.

Joanie is starting her third round run when I get to the slams.

 

Round 5

Question: What’s the proper husbandly response when your spouse complains about buttcrack chaffage?

Asking for a friend.

The run goes great for me. Can’t say the same for Joanie. 

Snatches and Slams make me feel like a natural woman.

By the way, today’s playlist is Trap Music. I don’t know what that means… But there’s a lot of awkward F-bombs. I’m back in high school.

 

Round 6

I see a dog when I’m running.

It sees me.

I see it see me.

It sees me see it seeing me.

Am I the only one who ponders how they would run away from a killer dog in the event of a Cujo outbreak while I’m in the middle of a run?

During this workout: I’d hope the fence and trust that Joanie can wrestle it down.

Snatches feels smooth. I’m really good at this.

Just kidding.

My fourth DB Slam doesn’t go as planned. Somehow, the DB slams into my head. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m concussed. There’s a tiny little hole where my thinker used to be.

I stammer. Looking around to see if anyone noticed. Hopefully my daughters didn’t see that. They’d never let me live it down. The family workout might turn into a cautionary tale. Hey, remember that time Danial passed out during a family workout?

 

Round 7

I don’t have a concussion, I’m just tired.

The run proves my tiredness.

Tireditity.

Tiredousity.

Tears.

No sprained ankles, but plenty of sprained hearts.

Snatches are a blur.

Slams are now filled with a healthy dose of PTSD with a hint of TBI.

 

Round 8

The sweet victory of finishing. Joanie is just starting her 7th run as I finish my 8th. She had to take a break to tell our 4-month-old baby to stop being selfish. He squawked at her like an angry seagull.

Ghost can be heard from several miles away, I think he’s offering to babysit. 

Snatches are harder this time, but I’m realizing I should have done 5 snatches each arm. That’s the beauty of Outside the Box, you can scale as needed. Best programming for any family workout, yo.

Slams are prayer-filled. Special thanks to God for creating Taz Barber, who made this workout and only programmed 5 DB Slams at a time. Unspecial thanks for it being in the middle of a running workout.

 

Time: 12:30
Joanie’s time: 14:00
Baby’s time: 14 Weeks.
Marriage time: 5 darn good years.

 

Tune in next week for another Death to Dadbod.

And hey, follow me on Instagram! @Instadanial_

Word Wizard/Lead Brewmaster/First Contact Seeker
I’m the family lab rat, if your family is a group of mad scientists. I mask my weaknesses by being funny and telling stories. Basically, I write posts for the blog, type up some emails, help where asked, and cry when Taz makes us run. My novels are available on Amazon. Something’s got to pay my daughters’ dance fees. I have four kids, three cats, and one wife. I love all of them dearly.