This is me.
My son was born just over a month ago. My wife and I went through IVF to have our tiny little miracle. We have pictures of him when he was an embryo. It’s the most adorable little blob you ever did see. We knew the cost going in. We knew it was like buying one really nice car, or five thousand Chick-Fil-A sandwiches.
I stressed a lot during her pregnancy.
That’s not to ignore her stress or the insane changes going on in her body, but honestly, she was glowing during the pregnancy. I look like a haggard werewolf with a beer belly.
When I’m stressed, I eat. Everything.
When I’m stressed, I gain. All the weight.
Towards the end of Joanie’s pregnancy, friends and family started to rub MY belly and ask when the baby was due. At first, it was funny. The next ten times were annoying. The remaining thirty times were flat our discouraging. It always came with a smile. I always smiled back. But deep down, it hurt. I felt embarrassed.
But hey, baby has been borned. He’s here. His neck is almost strong. Wifey is feeling good. Our older kids are in love with their new baby brother.
Time to remove my baby bump. My sympathy belly gots to go!
And Outsider, we’re going to get fit together. You’re going to be my muse.
Let me breakdown how this works.
Every Friday, I’ll post a workout recap while I’m on my quest to reshape my overgrown figure. I’m going to follow the Minimalist track, and only use 25 lb dumbbells. Sometimes, it’ll be a workout in the gym. Others, I’ll do the workout in my garage gym (consisting of 2 dumbbells). Outside the Box has workouts for anywhere, so I’ll be working where I’m at.
Don’t worry, it’ll make sense soon.
“Giving Myself a Swirly”
Complete as many rounds as possible in 15 minutes:
8 Left Arm Dumbbell Thrusters, 50/35 lbs
Left Arm Farmers Carry, 50 meters
8 Right Arm Dumbbell Thrusters, 50/35 lbs
Right Arm Farmers Carry, 50 meters
25 lb dumbbells.
2 laps around my office gym
I don’t own a ruler big enough to measure 50 meters. Instead, I google “How many steps in 50 meters?” and find out that 65 steps is the rough equivalent. Round up to 70 steps. Which is 2 laps around my office gym.
00:10 – I start the thrusters with youthful exuberance. Which basically means I start lazy and distracted. Pat’s warm-up did the trick for my body, but I’ve suddenly been overcome with a mental exhaustion similar only to that of a teenager forced to do the dishes.
1:10 – I’m walking in circles. If I do this enough times, will I get dizzy?
Sidebar: One thing I’ve learned since having a baby -> my body does a lot of strange things when stressed. I’ve grown a bald spot on my leg, had the hiccups for almost 6 hours straight, suffered from routine acid indigestion, have random times where I start to fall asleep during menial tasks, and developed a twitch in my right eye. It’s a good thing I’m not internalizing or anything.
1:56 – Thrusters with the right arm. Much easier over here. I feel like I’m doing the Wave at a ballgame, only I’m in a one man arena.
2:38 – Left thrusters second set and my body looks like a venus fly trap on adderall. An nonathletic accordion. Or maybe a concertina.
3:26 – There’s no joy in walking in circles. This must be how goldfish feel.
4:25 – I’m not going to drop the weight! I’m not going to drop the weight!
4:48 – Adjusting the weight is not dropping, I’m just resting the dumbbells on my leg because I have an itch.
4:59 – Fine, you’re right. That’s cheating.
6:17 – Finished the second right handed farmers carry circle. I bet this is how Bill Murray felt during Groundhog Day.
8:41 – I think I have a kidney stone.
9:37 – Third Round finished, already on thrusters. Somehow, my music has transitioned from gangster rap to Bohemian Rhapsody soundtrack. Is this real life? Or is it fantasy? I’m caught in a landslide. No escape from reality.
10:00 – This is a mental swirly. Because I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy.
10:31 – I need some Bismillah during these thrusters. Where’s Bismillah??
12:37 – Right handed thrusters finished just as the piano riff starts. I see a little silhouette of a man.
12:57 – Galileo got me walking. My goodness. What stage are you in life when Queen motivates you more than freakin’ Tupac?
13:15 – Bismillah! I cannot let them go! 8 powerful left thrusters. Bis… mil… LAH!
14:17 – That high note, wow. We didn’t deserve Freddie, did we?
14:28 – 8 reps down in right thrusters. The music has stopped. I don’t know why. Or maybe I’ve turned deaf.
Sidebar: There is nothing sillier than speed-walking in a small circle, holding only one dumbbell, with the look of someone who needs music and a nap. I’m walking like I don’t have kneecaps.
14:58 – Finished the second lap.
15:00 – Collapsed into my own sweat puddle. Bismillah, ya know?
Check back next week for another installment of Death To Dadbod. Stay Gold.