Here we are. Standing together at the finish line. Five weeks of excellent fitness has come, and only a few days until it’s all over. If you’re vying for the chance to make it to the CrossFit Games, I wish you nothing but the best of luck. If you’re like me, and you’re just trying to finish the CrossFit open with your body intact… I’m there for ya.
This year’s CrossFit Open has been my favorite.
Outside the Box has given me workouts that are just close enough to the actual Open where I can fee the same obliteration without actually doing any of the prescribed workouts. I didn’t have to go to a box. I didn’t need a membership. Frankly, I didn’t even need to be particularly good at anything. Just show up, warm up, and burn that moo moo down.
20.5 was one of those workouts where you feel every ounce of your fitness melt inside itself like a Jack-o-latern four days before Halloween.
Sidebar: If you like my humor and have Instagram, do yourself a favor and follow @makewodsgreatagain.
Let’s get to the workout, shall we?
40 Woman Makers (video below)
80 cal row
120 DB Goblet Thrusters
20 minutes, you can partition the reps however you wish.
Partition means split up.
Beyonce had a song called Partition. It doesn’t relate to this. But anytime you can share about Bey, you do it. It’s called SEO.
Another, another note
No costume this week, I know you’re disappointed. Week 1: Monkey. Two: Narwhal. Three: Danta Clause. Four: Grandma. Five: I’m wearing a Caffeine and Kilos shirt because I freaking love those guys. I didn’t wear a costume because I’m out of money and can’t really go off spending cash on dress up.
3… 2… 1… Go!
I start on the rower. I have no concept of what 80 calories looks like. Will it take me 5 minutes? 15? I don’t know. But I know it’s my strongest movement out of the three. In my mind, it’s best to double down on your strengths.
At about 40 calories, I feel like it was a good idea.
Then 60, my buttcheeks start to hurt.
At 75, I’m wondering if this was a bad idea. I’m out of breath, my legs feel shot, and the cals are no longer moving as fast they once were.
Is it calories? Like calories-calories? Or is it something else? Don’t you dare try to tell me I’ve only burned 80 calories while I’m doing this hellhound movement. You burn 10 calories just chewing gum. Smiling burns like 400 calories. Why can’t I just smile my rower to 80 cals?
AKA, when things fall off the rails.
Okay. So, Woman Makers. Holy Cow.
I only have 25 lb dumbbells. Those things are heavy. I suck at push-ups, burpees, and realllly suck when you combine those two together.
For this portion of the workout, I’m breaking up the 40 woman makers and 120 DB goblet thrusters.
8 Woman Makers
24 DB Goblet Thrusters.
I’m at rep 4 and already regretting putting 8 reps together. My mind is raising with thoughts of, “How exactly am I supposed to do 40 of these?” While my lungs are asking, “maybe you should stop smoking Marlboro Reds.”
Fun fact: I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my life. My exposure to tobacco has been cigars (overrated; only for old men and insecure young ones) and chewing tobacco. All of which happened in high school. The one time I tried chew, I was 16 and drinking heavily. A senior offered me a dip, and the convinced me that real men swallow their spit.
Gross, I know.
His words, “That’s how the Indians used to do it.”
Any guesses on how that ended?
Speaking of vomit, 8 reps into Woman Makers and I’m thinking I would rather give birth. It’s not that bad, right? Men have man-flu. Women have labor pains. When you get down to it, is there really a difference?
I’d like to say the next 24 DB Goblet Thrusters were easier. But, 24 reps of anything is hard at this point. I get out of breath if I walk up 24 stairs. Or eat 24 Oreos.
Quick! Speed round:
8 Woman Makers – I let out a groan of euphoric agony. It’s a delightful dread. I’m growing as a man, while somehow also being emasculated. This movement sucks.
24 DB Goblet Thrusters – I look like a bear crapping in the woods. Can we call these “Bear Crappers” moving forward? Yes, yes we can. It’s my blog, I make the rules.
8 Woman Makers – I shouldn’t have tried to string this many reps together. Maybe this strategy was a tragedy.
24 DB Bear Crappers – Sounds about right.
8 Woman Makers – This is the point where I forget if it starts with a push-up or… I don’t even know. My brain is fried.
Another sidebar: Do you remember the commercials, “This is your brain [Shows an egg], and this is your brain on drugs [cracks an egg and cooks it]” from years ago? Well, that’s the reason I don’t like eggs. Seriously.
24 Bear Crappers – I think I would rather be an actual bear turd than do another 48 reps. I’m at minute 14 and my body is checked out.
8 Woman Makers – Listen, I’ve drank 4 White Claws tonight. Earlier, I had pre-workout before 20.5. In the fitness industry, we call that an Unhappy Disco. The concoction of exhaustion, diabetes, and an elevated heart rate is alarming close to the disruption I felt during the actual workout. Woman Makers make me emotional and irrational in my emotion.
Cause, ya know.
24 Bear Crappers – It’s the last block of reps. I’m on fire. No, I’m not moving fast. My body literally feels like it’s burning. I’m stuck in a tanning bed. It’s old school torture.
The way the Indians used to do it.
Oh wait, before I finish. Make sure you’re checking out Brute Strength’s Instagram next week (11/11). Me and the Outsiders are taking over their social media and joining with a bunch of brands to offer some free stuff to our members. It should be pretty awesome.